Spring of 2021: Inner Thoughts
During middle school and high school, a weekly Thursday dinner ritual at my apartment in Guangzhou, was for my dad to read out loud the opinion column piece on Southern Weekend, a progressive newspaper in southern China. Mom would be moving in and out of the kitchen, commenting on what she thought was a fresh point.
In 2008, when a tragic earthquake took place in a town named Wenchuan in Northwest China that killed 69,000 Chinese, Southern Weekend argued, “It wasn’t a natural catastrophe. It was a man-made one.” While other mainstream news was emphasizing the collective strength and positivity of the country in grief.
At school, I got good enough grades for teachers not to worry but to see room to excel. After one midterm exam in 8th grade, my Chinese teacher asked me to read my short essay on critical thinking skills in front of the whole class as an example essay. I quoted Southern Weekend and shared with the class how we could think about the earthquake constructively; I mentioned how the weak building structures and emergency reactions were the main causes that lead to the unimaginable casualty. When I returned to my seat from my reading, the boy sitting behind me told me I did a good job. I was proud of the effortless recognition I earned.
A few years later, I moved to the United States for college. I got used to seeing people comfortably criticizing authority and the status quo. This is something you cannot do in China. While maintaining activity on China’s mainstream social media platforms like Weibo and WeChat, I saw that any deviation from the leading narratives would be taken down soon before it was distributed more widely.
During the time when a continuing series of protests in China took place, I posted on my social media expressing appreciation for those who stood up and showed up against the power. I said I was easily not brave enough to do the same thing, so I believed that it was the least I could do to not throw rocks at them.
This post of mine caused me major stress in the following few days. A few close friends replied, asking me why I was just going against the narrative for the sake of it and why I was so biased against my home government. My dad called me and told me that some family friends suggested that I take it down to "protect myself.”
They’d never understand, I thought, so why bother explaining anything? I started to learn to censor my own words in my social circle; I was worried that my social account would be frozen. I started to write less and repost more. I talked to friends who agreed with me.
“There is a platform where young people can watch rational, sometimes rather emotional, and most of the time entertaining debates on issues that have confused everyone, and then, hopefully, start thinking on their own.”
I stumbled upon this article on Radiichina, calling out “I Can I BB,” a debate competition held by an online video platform in China.
“I bet that nothing could be political-touchy in the show,” I said to myself. There is no Facebook, no Google, no nothing. What could they possibly be allowed to talk about in those “relatable topics?” What could be more relatable than voicing one’s political stands? I even learned about the news that one of the contestants --- who got popular as a result of her unexpected wit and quick reactions -- got banned from Weibo, a Chinese social media, because of her comment on a political event. I stayed furious about what was happening in China.
I finally gave this debate show a chance and started to watch it. At first glance, each topic in an episode sounded absurd and pointless to debate over Shall “correct nonsense” still be spoken, Is “let’s keep in constant contact” a tyranny, and Is mom is superwoman” really an appraisal?
As I was entertained by the various styles of debate, funny, witty, critical--I was shifting between two opposing teams all the time. I was convinced by one side, so firmly, but then changed my mind because of the other team’s counterpoints. Agreeing with the statement or opposing it was not the most important issue -- the bridges and stories they laid were.
I felt more connected to home than ever. I saw energetic and wise people from my home country. They were the fighters who were not suffocated.
It reminds me of Oprah's recent interview with Meghan Markle.
“Were you silent, or were you silenced?” Oprah asks the former Duchess of Essex, in her recent CBS interview with her husband, Prince Harry.
Personally, I was never silenced, but I did stop talking and trying to rationalize my beliefs. I decided to be silent and chose to judge my home country as a bitter outsider.
Now I want to choose another mission. The “huge China market” has its rules, but I should also have my lines.
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This personal essay was written during my time taking an online course at the NYU School of Professional Studies (SPS). SPRING 2021: Writing Op-Eds, Non-Fiction, and Personal Essays.
